Dance

I found my old jazz shoes in my closet today. Upon my discovery I recalled that love I hold for dancing. My heart quickened as I touched the worn leather. I had no choice but to slip them on.

I took ballet and tap lessons, as most five year-old girls would. Despite my lack of gracefulness, I loved it. When I heard that my loved dance teacher was going to be replaced, I quit, unfortunately believing that her replacement was bound to dislike me.

There's a place in my soul for dancing. The real kind of dance. Ballet, Lyrical, Tap, Hip-Hop, Modern, and Jazz (being my favorite). I'm not currently dancing. I wouldn't even call myself a dancer. None the less, I'm drawn to it. Something is stirred within me when watching a woman flow along with music. Dancing has been loved generally by society. Writers use dancing to parallel a myriad of emotions and personify many inanimate objects. It has been stereotyped to equal happiness or glee, to which, by human nature, most are attracted.

Six years later, with an urge to dance, I bought a pair of tan leather jazz shoes and attended classes on Saturday mornings. During one of the first meetings, my teacher told my class mates and me: "Jazz is ballet with attitude." With those words I feel in love all over again. My heart was for Jazz dancing. Spinning, leaping, sharp, bold body movements was enough to make me simply giddy. I looked forward to my classes. My heart would leap when I did, and my lips would turn to a smile every time my hair kissed my face while spinning. I remember wanting to appear professional, and was pleased when the teacher would ask me to demonstrate for the "newbies." I still remember the first jazz routine I learned, and dance it out every time Matchbox Twenty's 3A.M. comes on, when I'm safe from another's eyes (but you don't know that(; ).

Why am I writing this, opening the door for all to see? I'm not positive. I suppose after feeling those old shoes hugging my feet once again, I needed to dance out my heart. Seeing as I am a fearful dancer, I'm sticking to my routine of dancing with my fingers and pirouetting with some words.

Captured

The other day while I was painting in an art studio, I was captured by a lovely woman using a purple pastel. It wasn't until she revealed to me her sketch that I knew of this. When I saw it, I was touched. No, she did not put into it a long period of time. No, at her artistic level this portrait was not a challenge. But to see the lines that make up who are on paper, through another pair of eyes is a touching affair.

I have been thinking a lot about lately who I am, and who I want to be. What I am holding in the picture is a paint pallette. I like that remarkably for I know I paint the story of my own life. Recently being out of school, homeschooling, going to college, and having new freedoms to my own choices are all large elements to my current need to ponder who I am.

What I love most about the portrait is that it is fully me. It has no limitations to the various aspects of life that makes me who I am.

The pallette is important, for I love art, in any and every way it may present itself.

But what if that shape for a pallette could also be viewed as a book. It is no secret that I love to read.

Maybe it's one of my journals that I love more than life itself, where I have penned my heart and poetry over and over.

Maybe it's a sheet of music, from which I might sing or press piano keys into song with a love that spills out of my soul.

Or maybe, just maybe it's a plane ticket to my beloved Haiti.

I also love that my face is hidden. It cannot be determined if I'm happy, sad, excited, laughing, crying, smiling, or enduring. I do all these things. The Elisabeth in purple pastel could be too.

Zombies Decked In Holly

I have come to find that ghosts, witches, werewolves, and vampires (with the exception of those in Twilight(; ) don't excite me anymore. I no longer plan out my costume before August. I feel no need to carve a pumpkin. My nagging to decorate the house has come to an end. Scary movies are a bore.

Yes, I was one of those abnormal little girls who loved Halloween and everything about it. I don't anymore. I admit, it was nice making paper bats and skeletons with my kindergartners today, and I loved hearing all about what each one of them are doing to dress up as. Honestly though, I'm enthusiastic anymore...

However! Upon watching the commercial for Disney's Christmas Carol (which is, like, the third version they have done), I realized something: I still love Christ-mas as much I did when I was a little girl. My love has never wavered for Jesus' birthday. I still love the ever green trees, the lights, nativity sets, the church services and functions, and the music! Oh, how I love me some Christ-mas carols! I love the lady standing outside of the grocery store for the Salvation Army and being able to drop change into the hanging tin. Saying "Merry Christ-mas!" rather than "Happy Holidays" in public is always so much fun!

Halloween... is, well... to put nicely, not of God. I loved the modern day changes that softens the edges of its... non-Godly-ness. It fun. But dangerous.

I remember, it was a few days before Halloween when we still lived in California, my good friend Maddie asked me, "Do you celebrate Halloween? My family doesn't."

I was baffled. "You do celebrate Halloween. We just mapped out our trick-or-treating route."

"No! I don't really. I don't worship bad things and stuff."

That's when I realized that Halloween isn't all candy and warlocks. It has a deeper, historical meaning and is potentially dangerous. Today, I don't see Halloween so evil -- that is if you do it right, as long as it's lighthearted and certain precautions are met.

It's crazy how God works and weaves little loves into our hearts. Christ-mas is of God. It's his human birth into our world of flesh! And I love it! God is forever and always - like when I was a little girl and is in my life now. That is why I love it so much, and I always will.

Well, time to dig out those Christ-mas decorations. (;

It. Is. Cold!

I awoke to the sound of my friend Janessa yelling, "Elisabeth, Elisabeth, come here! Hurry!" So, I rolled off Janessa's bed and meet her in the hallway. "It's cold, it's sooo cold!" she exclaimed as we raced down the hall and past her older brother eating breakfast at the table. Together we leaped through the back door and danced around the pool in our beloved cold front.

Notice the long sleeves and blanket we felt were necessary at Janessa's brothers' soccer game this morning. It was that cold. Welcome, Autumn.

I'll live

You know you're in a predicament when after a while the only thing people can say back to you is, "Wow, I'm so sorry," and roll their eyes (of course, you're not supposed to see the eye rolling part).

I'm finding it difficult to come to terms with the fact that people fall out of our lives. I've been trying to push the many situations of people just leaving, out of my mind. I could blame it on the fact that I don't like it when life changes, but I won't. I'm taking full blame for being selfish and stubborn.

I know I'm not the only one feeling this way.

... Or maybe I know no such thing. Maybe I am the only one out there who wants the people she loves in her life to stay there and never find new friends, or never move, or never choose people over her.

But I doubt it.

I do know that I can handle it better than I do. I don't have to fall into the traps of jealously from knowing that everyone's fine and I clearly haven't moved on.

It's a problem, but I know I'll live.

I know in most of these situations God wills them to leave. I know then, it is supposed to be that way. I know that I should be happy for them, but sadly it's hard, even when I see a remarkably positive difference in them.

But I know... My college professor will assign another creative writing essay, and I'll engross myself in words, thesauruses (yes, plural), and caffeine. I'll surround myself with my wonderful, loving friends. Experiment with my music. Loose myself in a book. Wrap myself up in the coming winter season.

I'll live.

To Stop Singing & Start Worshiping

For those of you who are unaware: I am a youth worship band's lead vocalist & pianist. We play on Thursday nights to open of our youth group (and we rock). Always being attracted to the idea of being a worship leader, I enjoy it immensely.

There's this unbelievable "click" I have with God through music. It's indescribable, something you just have to feel. Last night, however, my leadership skills held none of that said "click." I suppose I had become to used to it. I had counted on the set and worship time to just fall into place as it usually and miraculously does. Last night, it just.. fell.

Most of the band couldn't play due to instrumental issues, so it was just the acoustic guitar, my keys, and my voice. The first song I lead was disastrous. I lead it out of order, couldn't see were my left fingers where playing because of where the mic stand was, which lead to a panic-overload in my brain and I lost where I was as far as playing the right chords. It was horrific. I remember describing it as my "personal hell." Finally the song ended, and not on a good note. Literally.

Thankfully, in the next song, all I had to do was sing. It was a song I know very well and have lead before. I was more than happy to have a break from the keyboard for once. As Travis strummed his guitar behind me, I sang. And that's when I decided that it was just for God. I instantly gave up on the people facing me. Hoping that, instead of noticing that I was a good musician (which I didn't give much evidence for that night), they could see that I wanted to be a worshipper and nothing else. I pray that they could have seen that, and chose to worship the Lord as well.

So, I sang, and I sang, and I sang. Closing my eyes for most of the song, I declared the lyrics to the Lord. I'm not saying that I lead the song well, for I honestly don't know. I wasn't paying any attention to that at the moment. The song ended and I walked off the stage, still embarrassed, but knowing that in the end I choose to worship rather than to sing.

I walked to the back of the room, not even wanting to see the reaction of the 40 teenagers. That's when Mr. Tom, a great man of God who was going to preach to us that night, walked up to me and placed a firm grip on my arm. He told me of how great I was, how much guts it too to lead worship, how proud he was of me. I was grateful for his words, but it was what I saw in his eyes that made me fight back tears. I have heard those words before. Honestly, I expected one of the adults there to tell me such that and I still find it hard to agree. But Mr. Tom's eyes held the fierce, powerful kind of sweetness. It was all I could do to not cry. In my lowliness, desperation and gratitude, I embraced him and thanked him. He doesn't know how much his words helped me.

I proceed my evening by slouching into a folding chair in the back, next to a kid I didn't know well to listen to Mr. Tom speak the Truth. He spoke about giving to someone in such a way to not persuade that person to give you something in return, but to persuade them to give to SOMEONE ELSE because of your actions. Then he asked the frightening question...

"WHAT ARE YOU GIVING COMPLETELY TO GOD RIGHT NOW?"

I had to think for a few minutes about how that applied to me personally. Then I thought that that most active answer would be: through leading worship. That's the Holy Spirit unraveled the rending I was doing to my own soul and laid it out for me in my head...

I wasn't giving that first song to God. It didn't even occur to me to open in prayer. I wasn't thinking of Him. And I'm still ashamed to admit that I, that person the Lord has entrust to lead a group of his followers in worship, wasn't envisioning His face in Heaven. That's why I received that "personal hell." I gave it to my self by not "acknowledging Him in all my ways" (Proverbs 3:6).

I feel better about the night. I'm at peace with it. I met God there, through failing and falling. He taught me, and I am a better worship leader today because of it. I love Him more after going through the pain I didn't on that stage (I hate calling it a stage).

As I'm sure you can understand, I am going to start giving it ALL to God. Not the just pure chords and lyrics, no. I'm giving it all. I'm giving my heart, my mind, my soul to Him in those songs. I'm giving it all to those whom I blessed beyond measure to worship with. I am going to stop singing for the sake of singing and I am going to worship.

Hello, Autumn...

The first signs of Autumn have presented itself...

All the kindergarten students in the class I work with are already planning Halloween parties and contemplating costumes. I miss the excitement and magic of Halloween dearly, but I receive my joy through them.

There is, of course, the seasonal Starbuck's Pumpkin Spice Latte, which I have yet to consume. The consistency, however, is comforting. I appreciate it abundantly!

There is the warmly familiar sight of the Autumn Pottery Barn magazine. You know you'll never actually buy anything, but I am emotionally attached to flipping through the red, yellow, orange, brown pages.

There is the reunion of those friendly scarecrows that find their early way out of your neighbor's garage and onto their lawn.

Yes, Autumn has sneaked its way into 2009 early this year. The colors and familiarities please my eyes so. The smells, such as my beloved Pumpkin & Spiced Apple reed incense diffuser, the crisp, sharp smell of changing leave and winds reach deep down into me. I look forward to Falling deeper into Autumn.

the Lord's word will never return empty.

Stop & Listen

As I was enjoying the view of the beautiful land that is Florida through the wonderfully big windows in my newly clean bedroom, I came to this shocking realization...

I have yet to hear God's voice.

I then began to mercilessly plague myself with questions, questions such as "What does He sound like?" "Is His voice loud, maybe frightening?" "Rather, is it a loving, nurturing sound?" The concept began to grow and grow within my mind until I felt my head about ready to burst. Of course, there is scripture discussing the Lord's voice, but I am sure you agree that it is simply not the same.

How strange, I thought. This God, this Father with whom I have grown so close to over the years has not once revealed His voice to me. I, His child, to this day could not point out His voice by ear. It was comforting, though, that I was drawn back by the absurdity that I did not know His voice, indicating (so I believe) that I am indeed close with my Maker.

So I sat there, by my big window, inhaling the sent of my Autumn candles, for quite a while pondering the mystery of how one can grow so close to another without even speaking words to each other.

It was at that instant, between feeling dumbfounded and not worthy of His speech, I realized that of course we have communicated! I hear God all the time! I am not merely talking into oxygen and gravity, I am talking to a God who hears, a God who listens, a God who indeed replies.

He answers my prayers, I do receive strength and that peace the passes understanding. I feel Him when I just open my Bible. My youth pastor put it as "discipline" to hear the Lord, and it is. You must have spiritual discipline to open a Bible, to turn off the music, isolate yourself and stop & listen. The results can be extremely clear, far clearer than any audible sound.

"In people we are looking for God to show up in big and glorious ways, and there were times when He came simply in a whisper or a breeze."

1 Peter 4:10

TLC for the Human Teenager

Those of you on facebook may have read this post already. It is one that I "tagged" all of the teenagers I know in. I wanted to post it here as well in hope that it may reach some troubled teenager on the public web...

Here is a post for those who are hurting from the growing pains of the teenage years. I would like to take the time to say that this is not a lecture. This is merely a journal entry I wrote that I wish to share with my friends, one that I hope will help them as it has helped me...
Very often lately many friends of mine (who shall all remain nameless), all teenagers, have expressed struggles or uncertainties to me. I can completely relate. I have growing pains as well. I feel urged by the Holy Spirit to share some things God has revealed to me.

Some of the growing pains my fellow teenagers have expressed are: struggling with school, beauty, confidence, friends, change, uncertainty in life, uncertainty in their relationship with God. All of these are completely understandable, reasonable, and fully respected. As much as I have tried to change it, I have found that these topics are unavoidable in being a teenager.

At this time in your life, you are trying to tangle through the life thrown at you, trying to figure things out. Things such as how you plan on spending the rest of your life, what kind of person you want to be, what your morals, beliefs and opinions are (not what other people want you to think – and hopefully not being swayed). It's hard to mold who you want to be all by yourself. But what you do and who you turn too (Jesus) can make a world of a difference. You don’t need any one who makes you feel bad about yourself in your life. Don’t feel like you need to adapt who you are to someone else to have a friend. I promise you now that you will always have Jesus and I.

Change. I'll admit right here and now that I don't like change. And unfortunately, I know dear ones who are wrestling with in currently. A friend of mine was telling me of how she was struggling with moving. She's starting high school next year, so you can say this change is hitting her hard. The only words I could find were these: "I'm sorry this is hard for you. But it will work out. When God doesn't give you a choice in life, its only because He's pushing you is a direction that is best for you, sweetheart. Just let go and let Him lead you." If God closes a door, leaving only one open (a door not looking too friendly), it's obviously the only path He wants for you. He's pushing you through it, only out of love. It can hurt, but the pain lessens once you accept His perfect Love and try to find the blessings He is so desperately trying to give you.

A LOT of teenagers I know are contelmplating what they want to do for a living when they get older. Is that what I believe a teenager's main focus should be? No. I know I'M trying to be a kid as long as possible. Although, it is a thought that burdens myself as well. But, I know exactly what you are created to do: live for God. I promise you, to worship and share His Love is the reason He puts air in your lungs. And it's something that you can begin to do RIGHT NOW. Also, in doing so, in keeping your heart fixed on Jesus' face, He will lead you through the wilderness and to where you are supposed to be in this world. Open a Bible, don't be afraid to tell someone of their inheritance to His Kindgom, and walk by faith. You will find a peace that passes understanding.

Now, onto another struggle of the human teenager: outer appearances. I know that how you see yourself is sometimes hard, and that we don’t always like what we see. However, that is how you were chosen to be made. God made you exactly how you are for a purpose. We all know that He does not make mistakes and that He wouldn’t chose to make you other than something He would find beautiful. Can there not be comfort found in that? The Lord made you, and He is prideful in His handiwork...
Maybe, just maybe it would help to stop comparing yourself to what this world (a world of sinners, mind you) has classified as “beautiful”. You are not any less beautiful because your hips and your chest aren’t the same size as Hannah Montana’s. You don’t need to wear the clothes that “everyone” is wearing to be gorgeous. Take a look at yourself, remembering that you were made by a Father who loves you irrevocably. Now, I want you to name at least 3 things that you love about yourself as a person and then 3 things that you love about your appearance. I know for some (you, God and I know who you are) it might be more difficult, but it’s a step I urge and challenge you to take.

I pray that if you are going through anything at all, this may help you through whatever you are going through. May God bless you and your teenage self!

Spiritual Gain at An Amazing Concert

Last night, I went to an amazing concert. I almost didn't go, but if I didn't go, you wouldn't have gained the spiritual growth or reminder that I did last night. Some of my favored (Christian) artists were there: Josh Wilson, Sarah Reeves, Micheal from his band Above the Golden State, Britt Nicole, and Danyew. It was amazing and heart-touching to worship with them all last night. All the artists were on stage at once. Who ever wasn't playing sat in chairs on the side of the stage or backing the artist up in instruments or vocals.

First up, Josh Wilson. Josh was amazing, I love his songs even more after hearing them live. He sang his song "Savior Please" and a few others. Britt Nicole backed him up on vocals. It was great to see him and learn more about him. He's a wonderful worship leader.

Next, was Sarah Reeves. Oh, how I already loved Sarah Reeves. Her songs are always poetic and she is a fabulous pianist. Worshipping God with her was a lovely experience. She talked about worshipping as not only going to church on Sundays or singing a song, but as a lifestyle. Then sang her first single "Sweet Sweet Sound", always been one of my favorites. I want that. I want to worship Him in the way I live my life! In the way I approach people, in the way I pray, in the heart that I have, in the way that I live the daily happenings of my life. I'm praying that the Lord will help me to do so. Sarah played her song "Come Save" to end her leading worship, and of course it was spectacular... Micheal, member of the band Above the Golden State, was up next. He is a great musician and was a great entertainer/worship leader. While he sang their song "At The Sound of Your Name" he let us be a part of his music, everyone was dancing and clapping. It was awesome worshipping God with a great crowd.Danyew, the newest artist of the group, took the mic. I was really surprised at his great talent and enjoyed hearing his story of how he left college to play music -- how he let everything go to follow the Will of God. He sang his songs "Streetlight" and "Beautiful King". His 'performance' was a great reminder of how God can be surprising, but we benefit from only thinking that He knows what He is doing, He is the God and we will end up happy to obey. Finally, was Britt Nicole. I didn't always think so much of her, thinking that her music was too 'pop'-y and aimed toward the younger youth. But. I. Love. Her. Even when she wasn't taking the stage, her love to praise Him was beautiful. She and her music were both so fun! The next moment, I was crying, so touched by her heart, music, and lyrics. I want to be her close friend, not just because she's famous. I want to be her friend because I love her evident love for God and I want to have that. I want a people like Britt Nicole in my life. I had been struggling with not feeling too close to God, wishing He was more center in my life. Seeing Britt and her faith completely renewed me. I was crying -- it was pathetic. She saw me crying and pointed to me (or so it appeared). She re-ignited the fire in my bones with her songs "Set the World on Fire", "That's How We Roll", and "The Lost Get Found".

At the end all the artists came together and sang "Heart of Worship", which was just beautiful...

After the concert we got to meet all of them!! I got a Sarah Reeves t-shirt, Harry a Danyew CD, autographs, and pictures!! It was amazing. I told Britt Nicole how the kids at TA looves her music. And told Sarah Reeves of how I adore and aspire to her piano skills. The guys were cool to talk to as well.

I'm praying that the Lord would seal the words He spoke to me at the concert in my heart, I never want to forget.

I visited that piece of me in Haiti...

I stepped off the plane, and onto the tarmac. I took in all that is Haiti. I basked in the Haitian heat that danced on my skin. I inhaled the always smoky smell that never seems to leave Haiti's air. And of course I got in an argument with a Haitian within 2 minutes of me being there (long story)... All of it is Haiti, all of it tugged a smile at my lips. Cars were honking, residents were begging, people were starring mercilessly. Suddenly, I fell in love all over again. I fell in love with the country of Haiti fast and hard, with its people, its faith, its smells and sounds. Its a love that the Lord has placed in my heart for a reason. Its a love that makes my relationship with God personal, special, and intimate. Haiti is the place where I see and feel Him the most. I praise God for putting Haiti in my life and in my heart, and for bringing me there and using me for His purposes.

My trip, of course, was amazing. I enjoyed spending time with Megan and seeing the Cundiffs again! I had the privilege of photographing the meeting of Isaiah Daniel's birthmother and his mama, Sarah. It was a beautiful and touching thing to witness. I was reminded that God is weaved into these adoptions. Through God we are connecting culture and family in a perfect bond. I'm very grateful that I was able to be there.

Seeing the kids again was such an answered prayer!! I was so happy to be with them all again and be able to love on them. We also got to go to Hotel Ibolele (I think that's how you spell it), which was a lot of fun. The pool and view of Haiti was great. The team was fantastic! They painted the wall outside and brought down some great stuff for the O.

I was also happy about going to Port au Prince Fellowship which has been a meeting place for God and I several times. It always seems to be more than a church. Love for the Lord is booming out the speakers as everyone raises their voices higher and higher for Him. While looking around at the worshipers it's hard to hold back tears. Its an amazing God thing. (:

Song: Love Is Here... Artist: Tenth Anveue North

And if there is love anywhere in this world, it certainly would be in Haiti.

Tomorrow...

... I'M GOING TO HAITI!!! And I'm aching to be there already. Also, a year ago tomorrow will be the day that I was baptized. I'll be a year old in Christ!! I feel so blessed that my Baptism Birthday will be spent in Haiti, a perfect opportunity to serve God in one of my favorite ways...

I really can't wait. I can't wait to be surrounded by all the loving, happy kids again. I can't wait to be in the place the I love so much, to be in the middle of all that is Haiti. I can't wait to be amidst the hope and faith that I have never seen anywhere but there. Can't wait to see Megan, and the kids at the school. I can't wait to clean and work under the hot Haitian sun.

I can assure all of the adoptive parents that your kids will be loved on unconditionally. I'm more than happy to send special request hugs and kisses (though they need not be requested necessarily :) Be prepared for a LOT of pictures!!

Thank you, Lord for opening the door for me to go to Haiti once again. Work through me when I'm there. You know how much I love it there and I pray that I would bring only glory to your name. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.

Living Melodies

I am the instrument, and God the musician
I cannot play, cannot make beautiful music alone
What sounds do I make, what notes do I portray
The melody is there, but I'm useless without Your hands

Wondering which strings my heart strum
What keys do my actions press
How do my feet dance on the drums
May my life play an angelic song

I cry out loud with a prayer fierce with longing
To make music the way You once did
Two thousand years ago, far out across the sea
Perhaps the longing enhances my voice for You

Tune me and play me
The instrument is nothing without its Musician
Lend me Your ears, let me hear my song
So I can re-write it, to make You dance


elisabethhuijskens
april 15, 2009

Inspriation: 2Timothy 2:21 ~ "If a man cleanses himself from the latter, he will be an instrument for noble purposes, made holy, useful to the Master and prepared to do any good work."

My Theme Song...

Lately, I have have been struggling with struggles that can seem extremely pathetic in comparison to most burdens. For me, they have been weighing me down, keeping me from a happiness I once felt and yearned to feel once more. Music has been a refuge in all my seasons, a different handful of songs for a different season - most of which are worship songs, for there I find a more reliable strength. After singing "Desert Song" by Jill McCloghry and Brooke Fraser (one of my favorite worship leaders) at church this morning, I feel I have started a new and brighter season. I have heard this song before, but God answered my prayers today in giving me this song. Nothing can show the extent of my gratitude.. So, I'll simply sing the song that He has so graciously spoken to me through...

Here is a video of Jill McCloghry, who sings "Desert Song" with Brooke Fraser. It is a truly moving video and helped me so incredibly much when I was stumbling, trying to get back on my feet... I hope it does the same for you...

Are you crying? (; I now have a whole different perspective on how important it is to praise God through EVERYTHING.

And so begins my new season...

My Heart in Words

The Lord exposes to my heart His works through seasons. For the past three years, every March, due to lease agreements and the Will of God, my family and I move to a new house and attempt once again to transform it into a home. God saw it fit (for some reason) to continue the pattern again this year, this March. Now. I see how each house in the past years have brought me new growth. I see the lessons that come from each season and in return I harbor mixed feelings....

~I think of the good times and miss them so much it hurts. Then again, what good would it do to relive them? They have been lived, they are done, they are perfect, they are beautiful memories. All I do now is hold on to them, but seeing as that is all I can do anyway, it does more than suffice. So, I just smile.

~I think of the embarrassing times and wish I could redo them. Then again, I would have not gained the wisdom and knowledge that I received while reaching my hand to Jesus' loving out-stretched arm. I would not be the young lady that I am today. So, I bask in my life experiences.

~I think of all the hardships and burdens and cry out to the Lord, asking why He would do that to me, why He would change things when they were just perfect. Then again, I realize all the strength I have gained and how it just creates intimacy between Him and I. So, I feel safe.

~I think of the unknown that lies ahead and I'm afraid. Then again, I know that whatever happens I have a God who loves me unconditionally and irrevocably. Everything He does in my life is out of love for me. I have friends and family who will be there and helping me, even if I don't admit to it all of the time and they have no idea. So, I see brightness.

I am extremely excited to leave in this house the bad and troubling memories (though taking the lessons gained) and bring the good memories with me. I hope that this "newness" I am about to leap into will only bring healing.

As I'm sure many of you can relate, the changing of seasons and motions can be vicious and at times cause physical pain to the soul. I don't want to move again. But I am. We can't always control the seasons, but that's most likely a good thing. I have been relying on God's sovereignty. Although that's really all I have to rely on anyway.

My first house in Florida brought me pure growth as far as nearing myself to Jesus.

My second house in Florida (the one I am currently moving out of), however brought multiple life lessons. There was a lesson on Redemption, where I lived in my Bible and prayed constantly, I felt as if my mind as almost one with His as my Father took me back. There was a lesson on Thanksgiving, where the world felt perfect and I knew that He deserved never-ending praise because of it. There was a lesson on Patients, where I had to learn to live life happy and to the fullest as I waited for what I wanted. Then came the most brutal: my lesson on Dependence, here I had to learn to depend solely on Him while He moved some things around in my life. Now, my final lesson from this house, would have to be Acceptance. I think now, while writing this post, I have finally accepted the happenings of my life. I am bringing back optimism.

I am amazed at how much better I feel after letting go of my thoughts. I thank you sincerely for listening to them, as a real friend would.... I love the God who I can trust in and fully believe that everything will be ok.

"If we don't change, we don't grow. If we don't grow, we aren't really living." - Gail Sheehy

When I say "I am a Christian"

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin'."
I'm whispering "I was lost,
Now I 'm found and forgiven."

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
And need His strength to carry on.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
And need God to clean my mess.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible
But, God believes I am worth it.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches
So I call upon His name.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner
Who received God's good grace, somehow!

~~Carol Wimmer

Could be Worse, Could be Tanzania

I find my self in a very particular, and for me odd, spot lately where it is easy to say, "my life is messed up". Things I want, I can't have. Things I want to see happen, aren't happening. The burdens I want lifted - be it the burdens of my own or a loved one's, do not rise. I think things are bad, ruined - but really they are not! I only think that because the happenings as of late are inferior to what I want. The unfolding of my life now, at this second, my emotions and longings, its where God wants me and my life to be. That's how I take comfort. A little bit.

Psalm 33:11 ~ "But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations". God, thank you for being the ever powerful and Sovereign Lord that you are. Thank you for embracing your children when they are lost and confused. Help us to remember that your hand is upon us, that you never abandon your faithful ones. Once again it is my prayer, as is forever, that you will make your Will clear to my eyes which are stained by the sin of the world. Please, grant me the smallest bit of understanding as you work your wonders and miracles in my life and in the lives intertwined with mine. Thank you. I love you. In your loving Name I pray. Amen.

I know that my days are not really bad, its just not what I want and that's stupid to let aggravate me. I have a good life. My family, my friends, and I are all healthy. I live in a great house, have easy access to food, ect. I listened to Alli Roger's song "Tanzania" and had a change of heart...

I need not sing, "Someday I will wake where the Earth is clean and safe; where my children have a place to play. Not here in Tanzania. And someday I will in a house that build by hands that hold the world".... I need not sing how its, "hard to be a mother, and its hard to be a woman, and its hard to live in Africa sometimes".

I've been to these places. I know Haiti. I have touched the hands that are attached a mourning and troubled soul. My soul is not worthy to be proclaimed as a soul that mourns compared to those who I am referring to now. I have a great life, full of things and people that I love and for some reason they love me in return.

Now, I move on through life, one foot in front of the other. I think of the Serenity Prayer, one of my favorite, "trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will". And that's where I find comfort, in my marvelously and eternally Sovereign God.

When I Leave...

I look back at my old posts, but they don't feel like mine. I read them like a different girl, a different soul wrote them. I laugh at all the ridiculous grammatical mistakes, I smile at all the memories, and I wish I could have them back.

Sometimes we get caught up in the seasons. Our eyes are shifted from Jesus' face, where we vowed to fix them. We make that vow when the season is easy, when everything is ok. Its funny how its when the season brings storms that we turn our hearts to Earthly things. We need to remember that we're living. This is when we make our moments, in this blink of an eye that we call life. "Your life is the song that you sing, and the whole wide world is listening" - Matthew West. How are others seeing you? What really matters: how is God seeing you? We can easily mess our days up, but our days are what sew together our lives.

Then I think of the moments I have left, what I want to say and do in those moments.

What I want the world to be like when I leave.

Whom will I have helped?

What live will I change?

How will they remember me?

Will they miss me when I'm gone?

Essentially, I wonder what God has planned for me before I leave. I don't know what the play-by-play of the rest of my life is. He does, though. That's exciting! He knows if or, which of my plans for life with unfold like I think they will, and he knows the ones that will simply not happen. Its an enormous relief to know that someone knows what will happen. I hate not knowing, but I'd rather have Him in control anyway.

What's even more amazing is that He knows how the events of my life, lived already or not, will weave my part to this world. Most of us have wondered, "How will they remember me?". I contemplate. I wonder. I ponder. I hope for amazing memories, filled with nothing but love that mirrors Jesus Christ's. But that will take some work. (:

This is my heart...

Am I too busy chasing a temporary fortune

That my priorities get lost along the road

The seasons bring their moments

They linger for an instant

They never wait for you to pay the debts you owe

When I leave I want to leave a memory filled with love

The kind you don't forget

When I go I want to be known

As one who lived with no regrets

If life is like a flower

Am I doing all that's in my power

To leave a fragrance behind

It's time to count my blessings

Forget about my savings account for a while

I want them to say

What a glorious day

She had so much to gain

But she gave it away

And I want them to see something different in me

And that I'm going to be free

Some glad morning when this life is over

I'll fly away

To a home on God's celestial shore

I'll fly away

When I leave I want to leave a memory...

~JJ Heller