I was slapped across the face the other day. Not literally, but I believe the impact of a friend's words hurt more than her hand would have. Here are her painful words: "I remember when you were a poetic, romantic, love-loving girl; lately, you've been sounding like a jerky teenage boyfriend." The sad part is, I knew this was true for it was intentional. I love being a girl; but there are things that come with having two X chromosomes that I don't like. And I find most of these things are a part of relationships with the people around us.
1) I hate being vulnerable. (That "Publish Post" button is looking very daunting and orange right about now.) The possibility of heartache and break over shadows the pros that come with talking to someone deeply for me. I often find it easier to be sarcastic. I don't like trusting people. It's so bad that I yell at my iPod when male lead singers "try to serenade me" with their songs and acoustic strumming. I get discussed because I assume that I'm being lied to. (Now, I know they're not really singing to me, but just let me have this one.)
2) I detest crying. And girls do it. A lot. (No matter how many times I tell myself that I don't have hormones, they still seem to show up.) My policy? If no one saw it, it didn't happen.
3) I don't like wanting to be loved. I wish I didn't care that much. I wish I didn't worry that my feelings, with everyone I come across, would be returned to me. My "jerky boyfriend" self lets it roll off my back, telling myself that I don't care how people think of me, and I'm not romantic whatsoever.
But then the other day... I heard the most beautiful, romantic song on the radio the other day. I bought it and listened to it 2432354257925 times. And I remembered that I love love songs.
That's when I realized something I read a while ago in the book Captivating. God sends us messages about who He is through men and women (Genesis 5:1), and the message we receive through my sisters and me is quite incredible. The vulnerability, emotion, and romance that I try to suppress are all parts of who Jesus is. I thought it was all weakness, but it's a glory that reflects the heart of God. Women want to be desired because God wants to be desired! There is nothing more vulnerable and emotional and romantic than when my God left the Heavens to our broken world, let Himself be hung on a cross for all to see, and still to this day asking me to love Him on a daily basis in return. (1Tim 2:3&4)
On that note, I'm off to sing my new favorite mushy-gushy, nauseatingly romantic song. (:
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
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