I Love that "New Journal" Smell

I apologize for the lengthy absence, but the last few months have been a whirlwind of a season for me. Not a bad season, but not one that I don't feel is appropriate to scribe publicly. I've been doing a lot of writing in my real paper-and-pen journal. So much in fact that I've recently needed to start another one! I love it when that happens.

My church (goodness, I love them) is being a church wide fast this Sunday. I feel a fire in my bones when I think of what's ahead! We are a church radical for God, and in turn He acts radically for us. My heart still feels raw to all the Lord did during the fast last year. Extraordinary things are going to happen to my church body, to my family, in personal relationships, and in me. I feel it, and I tremble at the thought.

Because of this fast, I feel this will be the beginning of a new season in my life. Writing about my spiritual "seasons" (which never are alined with weather or school seasons, mind you) isn't new here. And it's the reason why I'm writing now. I feel good, and excited, and ready to write! Praise Jesus, I'm back. (:

When Perky People are Pushing Their Luck

You may have noticed that I have been a bit quite here at the Life Song Journal. (Of course, people don't usually comment on my posts, so it's hard to tell how many have taken note on my absence. (; ) Now, I'm not usually quite. The only time I'm not sharing stories or speaking my mind is when I'm sad, mad, or feel out of place. The last month and a half, I've been feeling a mixture of all three of those emotions. I'm tired of feeling this way, though. I miss speaking and feeling secure about it.

I've never been good at "choosing joy" when something crummy is going on inside of me. I'm not wired that way. (You should see when my mom [whom I love dearly] tells me to "just choose joy!" while I'm PMSing and unhappy. She says it all perky like. It makes me want to hit something. I don't advise being around at such a moment.)

My lovely friend, Sary (whom I miss unbelievably), posted this on Facebook the other day: "Thoughts come before feelings which come before actions. Control your thoughts and you control your actions." At first I blew it off. I have heard something like this before. But three hours later, I felt nudged to write "T,F,A" (thoughts, feelings, actions) on my mirror.

Something I love about this is that, I'm still not choosing joy. Yes, I have a constant underlining joy, but I'm not faking being happy just because people like me better when I'm chipper. I'm controlling my thoughts, therefor how I live my life. And, let me tell you, today I've been living my life a lot happier.

Things that I controlled my thoughts, feelings and actions about, making my day brighter:

~Getting the dishes and math homework done before 10 AM this morning, ridding it of my Tuesday.

~Being almost done figuring out the chords to a song on the piano I'll be doing for Christmas.

~Getting very positive feedback from my cello teacher.

~Discovering I got a B+ on my social psychology test!

~When my God answered my prayers. (He'll answer yours, too.)

~Writing my public speaking speech in a few hours, getting it done two days before I needed to!

~Being drenched in rain.

~Learning about roses from a fellow classmate.

~Changing my negative thoughts about missing an important event to positive thoughts.

~Getting new music.

Chosen: A Girl's Midnight Monologue

I wrote this last August, but I'm feeling it's necessary again on this Autumn day.

Ironic, how being yourself is possibly the most difficult thing one can do. Being satisfied. Being proud. Feeling like you could possibly measure up. To expectations. To those around you.

How does one do it? Is it possible -- or even plausible -- to trust... in the breaking of a new day; to trust in a day of mindless prayers, old pajamas, classes, school, books, paper; a TV, a remote, sitting -- just sitting!; a camera, lens, the shutter sounds; the piano bellows, it sings with its keys, fingers dancing, the vioce straining. There's a smile, there's a fight, a laugh, then a tear. And the days repeat, overlap. An occasional "hello" is followed, always, with a "goodbye".

Is this was it means? To be lovely or beautiful or wonderful? I don't believe so. If it is, I want nothing to do with any of it.

How can you possibly compare with THAT? How will you even attempt?... I couldn't... I can't...

I can only be m--

Thats when you realize. Love... Love is so much bigger than yourself... It is not "in my heart." Love is out-of-body. It is not something you achieve alone, you're not made to! Love isn't because you were good enough, it's because you were chosen (for whatever reason). CHOSEN. You were the gorgeous Lily in a field of white Daisies. In other words, the child touched you and yelled "goose!" while all the other kids were sitting ducks. Love is as wildly untame as the stallions and as miraculously free as the birds. Don't capture it by giving it a labled box. Don't hold it, don't claim it, don't own it... Bask and grow in it, because Love picked you, after you caught its eye and captivated it with one thing: yourself.

Photo from weheartit.com

It's That Time of Year Again

Most of the days on my August calendar are sporting giant X's. There are Target bags of school supplies on the stairs. The parents are about to strangle us with all the TV that we've been watching. Every store commercial supports the phrase "back to school."

I found out after I left school, just how much I love it. I love the classroom atmosphere. I love adults passing on their wisdom. I love notebooks, and pens, and the intensity of vigorous note-taking. I'll be at the college three hours, four days a week this semester, and I'm stinkin' excited!

This also means, with school starting, Autumn is on its way! I forget how much I love Fall until it's around the corner. The leaves will change. Homework will be rushed to get done so that the scary movies on TV can be watched. The weather will cool nicely. I'll get to wear lovely Fall/Winter clothes (scarves, boots, jeans, and the occasional hat), which I favor far more than summer clothing. Thanksgiving will find our hearts and stomachs once again.

OK, I'm getting a tad ahead of myself -- but when you think about, just a tad.

It'll be lovely. I can't wait.

This Season

I haven't posted in a while. Well, in a week --which for me lately 'a while' is an appropriate way to put it. I wish I could post, and I have been contemplating how to scribe this truthfully, not too vaguely, and still allowing it to be something worth singing about.

In all honesty, what I have to say, I can't say here -- which is unfortunate. I will say this though: it is time for me to shut up. I'll pray, and be still, and find a peace within me with is God planted. God has always taught me through seasons, everything in my Walk has been seasons -- pure, clear, heart changing seasons. This is my season now. It is my least favorite season and one of my heart's favorite. This is me, my path, my life, a piece of everything I'll be doing.

There is an appointed time for everything.

And there is a time for every event under heaven

A time to give birth, and a time to die;

A time to plant, and a time to uproot what is planted.

A time to kill, and a time to heal;

A time to tear down, and a time to build up.

A time to weep, and a time to laugh;

A time to mourn, and a time to dance.

A time to throw stones, and a time to gather stones;

A time to embrace, and a time to shun embracing.

A time to search, and a time to give up as lost;

A time to keep, and a time to throw away.

A time to tear apart, and a time to sew together;

A time to be silent, and a time to speak.

A time to love, and a time to hate;
A time for war, and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3

This, however is what I have been up to..

flowers, photography, bible-ing, babysitting my lovely little friends, and taking it day by day.

PS ~ YES! my camera is fixed! Praise God!

(photos mine)

Spring Has Sprung!

Spring is indeed my favorite month. It's bright, warm, embracive, and rain continues to cleanse the Earth. Life springs during this season! In elementary school, I loved when my teachers would talk about mama animals giving birth to their new sweet babies. Spring is new. It's alive. It's a beginning.

Jesus sprung during this season, too. He cleansed us clean, brought new life, and now we can forever bask the light of salvation.

Today was the first day of beloved spring, making me a very happy girl. I will be praising God for this lovely season of newness, life, and redemption.

Hello, Autumn...

The first signs of Autumn have presented itself...

All the kindergarten students in the class I work with are already planning Halloween parties and contemplating costumes. I miss the excitement and magic of Halloween dearly, but I receive my joy through them.

There is, of course, the seasonal Starbuck's Pumpkin Spice Latte, which I have yet to consume. The consistency, however, is comforting. I appreciate it abundantly!

There is the warmly familiar sight of the Autumn Pottery Barn magazine. You know you'll never actually buy anything, but I am emotionally attached to flipping through the red, yellow, orange, brown pages.

There is the reunion of those friendly scarecrows that find their early way out of your neighbor's garage and onto their lawn.

Yes, Autumn has sneaked its way into 2009 early this year. The colors and familiarities please my eyes so. The smells, such as my beloved Pumpkin & Spiced Apple reed incense diffuser, the crisp, sharp smell of changing leave and winds reach deep down into me. I look forward to Falling deeper into Autumn.

My Theme Song...

Lately, I have have been struggling with struggles that can seem extremely pathetic in comparison to most burdens. For me, they have been weighing me down, keeping me from a happiness I once felt and yearned to feel once more. Music has been a refuge in all my seasons, a different handful of songs for a different season - most of which are worship songs, for there I find a more reliable strength. After singing "Desert Song" by Jill McCloghry and Brooke Fraser (one of my favorite worship leaders) at church this morning, I feel I have started a new and brighter season. I have heard this song before, but God answered my prayers today in giving me this song. Nothing can show the extent of my gratitude.. So, I'll simply sing the song that He has so graciously spoken to me through...

Here is a video of Jill McCloghry, who sings "Desert Song" with Brooke Fraser. It is a truly moving video and helped me so incredibly much when I was stumbling, trying to get back on my feet... I hope it does the same for you...

Are you crying? (; I now have a whole different perspective on how important it is to praise God through EVERYTHING.

And so begins my new season...

My Heart in Words

The Lord exposes to my heart His works through seasons. For the past three years, every March, due to lease agreements and the Will of God, my family and I move to a new house and attempt once again to transform it into a home. God saw it fit (for some reason) to continue the pattern again this year, this March. Now. I see how each house in the past years have brought me new growth. I see the lessons that come from each season and in return I harbor mixed feelings....

~I think of the good times and miss them so much it hurts. Then again, what good would it do to relive them? They have been lived, they are done, they are perfect, they are beautiful memories. All I do now is hold on to them, but seeing as that is all I can do anyway, it does more than suffice. So, I just smile.

~I think of the embarrassing times and wish I could redo them. Then again, I would have not gained the wisdom and knowledge that I received while reaching my hand to Jesus' loving out-stretched arm. I would not be the young lady that I am today. So, I bask in my life experiences.

~I think of all the hardships and burdens and cry out to the Lord, asking why He would do that to me, why He would change things when they were just perfect. Then again, I realize all the strength I have gained and how it just creates intimacy between Him and I. So, I feel safe.

~I think of the unknown that lies ahead and I'm afraid. Then again, I know that whatever happens I have a God who loves me unconditionally and irrevocably. Everything He does in my life is out of love for me. I have friends and family who will be there and helping me, even if I don't admit to it all of the time and they have no idea. So, I see brightness.

I am extremely excited to leave in this house the bad and troubling memories (though taking the lessons gained) and bring the good memories with me. I hope that this "newness" I am about to leap into will only bring healing.

As I'm sure many of you can relate, the changing of seasons and motions can be vicious and at times cause physical pain to the soul. I don't want to move again. But I am. We can't always control the seasons, but that's most likely a good thing. I have been relying on God's sovereignty. Although that's really all I have to rely on anyway.

My first house in Florida brought me pure growth as far as nearing myself to Jesus.

My second house in Florida (the one I am currently moving out of), however brought multiple life lessons. There was a lesson on Redemption, where I lived in my Bible and prayed constantly, I felt as if my mind as almost one with His as my Father took me back. There was a lesson on Thanksgiving, where the world felt perfect and I knew that He deserved never-ending praise because of it. There was a lesson on Patients, where I had to learn to live life happy and to the fullest as I waited for what I wanted. Then came the most brutal: my lesson on Dependence, here I had to learn to depend solely on Him while He moved some things around in my life. Now, my final lesson from this house, would have to be Acceptance. I think now, while writing this post, I have finally accepted the happenings of my life. I am bringing back optimism.

I am amazed at how much better I feel after letting go of my thoughts. I thank you sincerely for listening to them, as a real friend would.... I love the God who I can trust in and fully believe that everything will be ok.

"If we don't change, we don't grow. If we don't grow, we aren't really living." - Gail Sheehy