It's Falling in Sheets and Sheets

It's 4pm and it's dark as night. I stand on the balcony, able to reach out and touch the sheet wall of rain. Instead, I stand and wonder how long it took me to notice the quickening of my heartbeat. It became evident, pulse-racingly evident, that I am alive. Fully alive.

A joy, a bliss, a pleasure sweeps me. Because You're standing here. And You, too, are very alive. You are as real and as tangible and as powerful as the breath-stealing thunder. Your love is here! I am here in Your love. Who am I to think that I could be skilled enough to escape Your love? Foolishness. It is falling right in front of my face, in sheets and sheets. I don't stretch out my hand to touch in pure reverence. I couldn't possible touch it, could I? Could I -- me? -- touch God's love? The electric pleasure in my pulse keeps me still. I am content, I am already overwhelmed!

It pours and rains and pours -- and it's for me. He is pouring out His love. He always has and does. I don't know why or how or for whom. I just know it's raining, and it's raining because He loves us. It's always because He loves.

Gentle Fearlessness

{I wrote this for a blog that I'm a writer for a few months ago. I felt called to put it here, too.}

I grew up most of my teenage life with acne blanketing my skin. As most have experienced or can at least imagine, this was a dictator of my self esteem for quite a while. You see, we’re told that this sinful world imprisons, and freedom is only obtained through a give from God. What we’re is not always explained is the sly and silent motion of that imprisoning process. Because of the make-up and Victoria Secret commercials, beauty became a box that one fits into with only a clear, stunning face.

I knew in my mind that our Creator only fabricates things of beauty and worth, but I searched for a way to know it in my heart. I wanted to harbor the truth of what made me beautiful in the eyes of God. I’m sure many of you have already had 1 Peter 3:3-5 come to mind. “Why didn’t she just read that verse and feel better?” That’s understandable, for it very clearly reads…

³ Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. ⁴ Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. ⁵ For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves.

If you’re a sweet, gentle, quiet woman – you may have felt much comfort from this verse. However, if you’re like me, you’re sitting there thinking, “Great, now where’s the beauty verse for the loud, blunt women?” I spent years with these verses being something I paid attention to only half-heartedly, I finally decided I needed to go deeper. My heart is to share with you what Jesus has walked me through.

There are Three Pillars of Womanhood that I believe God is trying to paint for us. When we allow our essence to stand on those pillars, we are living out God’s original purpose for us, perfectly beautiful in His eyes.

1)      Hope – Holy women put all of their hope in the Lord. We are called to not rely on our husbands, finding a husband, our appearance, or our own strength. Most of the people that society are captivated by are those who have known struggle, known defeat, but have still found a way to be triumphant in battle. As women following Christ, that banner we raise as we walk to the front lines should be the truth and promises from Jesus Christ. Many times this needs to be a concentrated effort. Prayer, re-reading His Word, and being still in His presence are all beneficial when trying to lift that banner high. 

2)      Fearlessness – When we have hope rooted in the soil, fearlessness can then begin to grow within us. Proverbs 31:25 says this about a beautiful woman, “²⁵ She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.” This does not mean that she is under that impression that her life will lack hardships. She is not naive. In fact it implies that she aware in full that struggle is on the horizon; and yet all of her hope is deposited in Jesus, leaving her with nothing left to fear. Without fear entangling her in chains, she is free to go about her responsibilities, have confidence, and glorify God.

3)      Beauty – So often I thank Jesus for enjoying beauty. How much more lovely is it to serve someone who likes and creates beautiful things? I was humbled to realize that if He is the Creator of all we see, then beauty originates from who He is. He is beauty. He is light. He is art. He is color. We serve a God who makes everything of worth eternal. When He is passionate about something, He doesn’t hold back. He made our souls eternal, our relationship with Him eternal, and beauty eternal. Therefore, He adores beauty that won’t perish, more specifically, “the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit”. Oh how much more He cares about your heart than you outer appearance! (Praise God!) Here’s the good news for ladies like me! We don’t need to be quiet and flawless, but the workings of our heart, mind, and soul are to be at peace. Our stress and tendency to micromanage everything was created to be smoothed over with a gentle spirit. How is that spirit cultivated? Especially today with families, jobs, and confidence being eroded by this world? By putting our hope in the Lord, becoming fearless, and allowing that to shine through as our beauty. Make up and push up bras aren’t evil! But we give the enemy an upper hand when we allow those things to define our beauty. In reality, the airbrushed, magazine look is unattainable. However, we have a loving Savior who wants to unveil to us our strength, our beauty, and our specified function to reveal who He is to those around us.

Woman – who you are, and who I am – was the last thing He created when weaving this world together. He let His eyes meditate on all He had formed and said, “No, something is still missing. A different kind of strength than that of men, a fierceness, a peacefulness, a gentleness, a beauty is missing.” And then He fashioned something more beautiful than rolling hills, sunsets, and oceans – something to crown creation. That thing He created, was you. 

The Fruits # 2: Joy

I was sitting in my Modern American Literature class today. I was tired, my professor was cranky, and the guy behind me had a cough. The phrase "I hate Mondays" was beginning to get a whole new meaning. That's when a girl Anna, whom I had in my speech class last semester and who I know is firm Christian, walked in and sat down. I watched her as she reached down to take her books out of her bag. Strangely, from where I was sitting it looked like she was grinning. It was annoying. It was an early, dumb Monday morning -- what did she have to smile about?

That's when God said (probably after hitting me upside the head, if He was here) "You best be workin' on your joyfulness, girl." Maybe He didn't say it just like that, but it was close. I've never been good at choosing joy. Looking beyond the circumstance isn't my forte. After that moment of deciding to work on my joyfulness though, my whole day turned around. April 5, 2011 had many things to be joyful about:

1) I'm joyful because the Lord is using me for His purposes in multiple ministries.

2) I'm joyful because even though I don't like the house that my parents just bought, it will go far beyond keeping us safe and warm.

3) I'm joyful to be able to learn to play instruments.

4) I'm joyful that God gave us His word and my ability to read it.

5) I'm joyful to have my newest favorite shirt.

6) I'm joyful to have such a beauitful church family.

7) I'm joyful to have made plans with friends next Monday.

8) I'm joyful that Jesus loves me far more that I can fathom.

9) I'm joyful that I have eternal life with Jesus and my brothers and sisters.

10) I'm joyful to serve a God whom within joy can always be found.

Where the True Joy Flows From

Have you ever had that feeling of being wrapped in the arms of someone you love; and love and happiness fills up to your heart's rim, and you just want to melt?

Well, I'm 16, so I'm gonna go ahead and say that I haven't. But that is how I feel in Haiti. I was sitting in Heartline's guest house near Port au Prince in a rocking chair last Wednesday, and upon resting my head back I sighed a sigh of contentment. Ironic, isn't it? Comparing love and comfort to brutal Haiti. But that's how you feel when you are where you belong.

I realized how odd my romantic parallel was when I wrote it in my journal that day, so I began to wonder why exactly so I love this place so much, why do I feel the most complete and free in Haiti?

That's when the understanding poured in. Everyone in Haiti (to some extent) was like me, and I like them. We were all here -- coated in dirt, sweat, and stubbly hair -- for the same purpose. We, willing to trade in our comfort at home, had a similar heart and a united purpose: to follow God, at all costs. I find that the people who have given up everything to radically follow Jesus are my favorite kind of people.

Today was my first day back at school since the trip. I dreaded it. The thought of seeing those college students, most of them not Christians --not to mention not pursuing Jesus' call -- brought deep sadness. I wanted my on-fire-willing-to-serve missionary friends back! In America there are so many distractions: TV, Internet, media, consumer purchasing, materialistic spending, worrying about physical appearance, school and work stress -- it is being put before serving God. How do I know? Because I do it! ...And I hate it, but I still do it. It still happens because it's hard to prevent. In Haiti, I'm around many people who are only living their days to serve God through serving others. They don't watch TV, spend money (because they probably don't have much), or frantically try to cover up every physical flaw -- because it just doesn't matter in the light of serving Jesus.

When you really are living on the grace of the Lord, you will feel overwhelming love and you will feel exciting contentment. After all, I am in love with the Man who said, " a man's life does not consist in the abundance of his posessions . . . But seek His kingdom and these things [food, clothes, safety, happiness] will be given to you as well" (Luke 12: 15 & 31).

When Perky People are Pushing Their Luck

You may have noticed that I have been a bit quite here at the Life Song Journal. (Of course, people don't usually comment on my posts, so it's hard to tell how many have taken note on my absence. (; ) Now, I'm not usually quite. The only time I'm not sharing stories or speaking my mind is when I'm sad, mad, or feel out of place. The last month and a half, I've been feeling a mixture of all three of those emotions. I'm tired of feeling this way, though. I miss speaking and feeling secure about it.

I've never been good at "choosing joy" when something crummy is going on inside of me. I'm not wired that way. (You should see when my mom [whom I love dearly] tells me to "just choose joy!" while I'm PMSing and unhappy. She says it all perky like. It makes me want to hit something. I don't advise being around at such a moment.)

My lovely friend, Sary (whom I miss unbelievably), posted this on Facebook the other day: "Thoughts come before feelings which come before actions. Control your thoughts and you control your actions." At first I blew it off. I have heard something like this before. But three hours later, I felt nudged to write "T,F,A" (thoughts, feelings, actions) on my mirror.

Something I love about this is that, I'm still not choosing joy. Yes, I have a constant underlining joy, but I'm not faking being happy just because people like me better when I'm chipper. I'm controlling my thoughts, therefor how I live my life. And, let me tell you, today I've been living my life a lot happier.

Things that I controlled my thoughts, feelings and actions about, making my day brighter:

~Getting the dishes and math homework done before 10 AM this morning, ridding it of my Tuesday.

~Being almost done figuring out the chords to a song on the piano I'll be doing for Christmas.

~Getting very positive feedback from my cello teacher.

~Discovering I got a B+ on my social psychology test!

~When my God answered my prayers. (He'll answer yours, too.)

~Writing my public speaking speech in a few hours, getting it done two days before I needed to!

~Being drenched in rain.

~Learning about roses from a fellow classmate.

~Changing my negative thoughts about missing an important event to positive thoughts.

~Getting new music.

Life Is Dreamy

I was driving on the back roads of Michigan yesterday when I came to the most joyful conclusion. I tried to think of all the ambitions I have had, wondering which ones haven't come alive in my life yet. I couldn't think of one. I realized that I am living every dream I've had, right now. Incredible? Yes. Impossible? Not at all.

I'm a worship leader, a dream that I never admitted (or fully understood) to having until it started coming true. In doing so, I'm serving God, a very big dream of mine, in a way that I feel is His will and part of the destiny that He has fabricated for me. I go to Haiti, a dream that will never be fully satisfied unless I reside there one day (who knows); however, the short term dream-come-true of going as often as I can is a blessing. I've always been safe, with a great family, and we all have been healthy. I found a nice, handsome boy awhile ago, a dream almost every girl has, making me a very lucky girl myself. I'm driving, which is surreal when thinking that 9 years ago this time in my life felt centuries away. I didn't have to go to high school, and I'm in college! My life is pretty much perfect. I can't believe the praise that is due to God, for Fathering me to where I am today, for opening doors and for shutting them; to Jesus for giving me a life to live and for providing me with ways to give back to Him.

I'm in Michigan right now, where my mama grew up, visiting my grandparents and my too-many-to-count large family. The Farm, my grandparent's house, is probably one of my most personal and favorite places. The house, the big red barn, the green hill, and endless fields of crops all enchant me. Early childhood memories live there, along with precious new ones that have been recently created.

I have learned that God usually brings me here to learn and to grow, He has since I've been 13 years old. On the way up here, I prayed that this wouldn't just be a vacation for me. I wanted to serve and work for Him while I was here, I wanted to come here for a purpose. That purpose, I have recently decided, is to sit and listen and learn and grow. Hopefully when I get back home I'll be ready to just go, and ignite, and serve.

Right now I hear about 30+ of my family members laughing around a camp fire, sharing their most embarrassing moments with each other.
Yes, I am most certainly living the dream.

Today, Happiness Is...

• finding free chord charts online that I don't need to fix.

• taking my last final = no more college until my Italy study trip.

• the sweet boy's prayers for my success.

• seeing my room clean. (Megan just threw all of our stuff which was on the floor on our beds.)

• waking up and remembering that I have red hair now.

• knowing I can talk to my Jesus whenever I please.

• this episode of Gilmore Girls.

• WeHeartIt pictures.

• seeing Megan dress up like a girl.

• yummy dinner tonight with my grandparents.

(photo mine)

Picture Adventures!

Yesterday was a splendid day. "Why?" you ask? Well, I have recently become Sara's photography assistant. Yesterday, it was our job to photograph the beautiful wedding of Melissa and Ryan. This was my first time having a photography job, and I'm thankful it was with Sara. She was extremely fun to work with. And upon finding that being a wedding photographer is a hard, sweat-producing, on-your-feet job, I had a great time. It was wonderfully glorious. I excitingly look forward to the weddings and shoots we have coming up. (:

A wonderful thing about being Sara's assistant is that 1) she lets me take pictures(: 2) she is oodles of fun(: and 3) she lets me keep my pictures as my own and still gives me photo credit. So, here is just some of my work from last night.

I love her. (:

Jumping

I've been living on the edge the last several days. No, I haven't been living with a daring nor fearless demeanor. I have been walked up a mountain by mostly silly little tasks causing stress, but also by large elements that fabricate my life right now, which are pressing on my heart mercilessly. I had no idea I was being lead up this mountain until my feet felt its edge. Until I heard the gravel of its mighty sides break off the cliff and fall to the depths below.

This is where I have been.

It's terrifying. I hated feeling like I needed to distract myself to be happy. I hated worrying and getting nothing accomplished. I hated not feeling like me.

But now I know... A hand has been extended. An invitation has been given. And I don't have to jump alone. I took it! I took the hand. I took the invitation.

I jumped.

I'm free of the edge! The fall feels exhilarating. Now that I'm no longer in this scared state, it's easier to search for joy; I can reach out to others more easily. I know that the fall will be frightening at times. But I'd rather be falling than forgetting. I'm jumping for what I'm passionate about, and if this is what I need to do, I'll do it. Now I'm free. That's what it is... I'm free.

(photo from weheartit.com)