It. Is. Cold!

I awoke to the sound of my friend Janessa yelling, "Elisabeth, Elisabeth, come here! Hurry!" So, I rolled off Janessa's bed and meet her in the hallway. "It's cold, it's sooo cold!" she exclaimed as we raced down the hall and past her older brother eating breakfast at the table. Together we leaped through the back door and danced around the pool in our beloved cold front.

Notice the long sleeves and blanket we felt were necessary at Janessa's brothers' soccer game this morning. It was that cold. Welcome, Autumn.

I'll live

You know you're in a predicament when after a while the only thing people can say back to you is, "Wow, I'm so sorry," and roll their eyes (of course, you're not supposed to see the eye rolling part).

I'm finding it difficult to come to terms with the fact that people fall out of our lives. I've been trying to push the many situations of people just leaving, out of my mind. I could blame it on the fact that I don't like it when life changes, but I won't. I'm taking full blame for being selfish and stubborn.

I know I'm not the only one feeling this way.

... Or maybe I know no such thing. Maybe I am the only one out there who wants the people she loves in her life to stay there and never find new friends, or never move, or never choose people over her.

But I doubt it.

I do know that I can handle it better than I do. I don't have to fall into the traps of jealously from knowing that everyone's fine and I clearly haven't moved on.

It's a problem, but I know I'll live.

I know in most of these situations God wills them to leave. I know then, it is supposed to be that way. I know that I should be happy for them, but sadly it's hard, even when I see a remarkably positive difference in them.

But I know... My college professor will assign another creative writing essay, and I'll engross myself in words, thesauruses (yes, plural), and caffeine. I'll surround myself with my wonderful, loving friends. Experiment with my music. Loose myself in a book. Wrap myself up in the coming winter season.

I'll live.

To Stop Singing & Start Worshiping

For those of you who are unaware: I am a youth worship band's lead vocalist & pianist. We play on Thursday nights to open of our youth group (and we rock). Always being attracted to the idea of being a worship leader, I enjoy it immensely.

There's this unbelievable "click" I have with God through music. It's indescribable, something you just have to feel. Last night, however, my leadership skills held none of that said "click." I suppose I had become to used to it. I had counted on the set and worship time to just fall into place as it usually and miraculously does. Last night, it just.. fell.

Most of the band couldn't play due to instrumental issues, so it was just the acoustic guitar, my keys, and my voice. The first song I lead was disastrous. I lead it out of order, couldn't see were my left fingers where playing because of where the mic stand was, which lead to a panic-overload in my brain and I lost where I was as far as playing the right chords. It was horrific. I remember describing it as my "personal hell." Finally the song ended, and not on a good note. Literally.

Thankfully, in the next song, all I had to do was sing. It was a song I know very well and have lead before. I was more than happy to have a break from the keyboard for once. As Travis strummed his guitar behind me, I sang. And that's when I decided that it was just for God. I instantly gave up on the people facing me. Hoping that, instead of noticing that I was a good musician (which I didn't give much evidence for that night), they could see that I wanted to be a worshipper and nothing else. I pray that they could have seen that, and chose to worship the Lord as well.

So, I sang, and I sang, and I sang. Closing my eyes for most of the song, I declared the lyrics to the Lord. I'm not saying that I lead the song well, for I honestly don't know. I wasn't paying any attention to that at the moment. The song ended and I walked off the stage, still embarrassed, but knowing that in the end I choose to worship rather than to sing.

I walked to the back of the room, not even wanting to see the reaction of the 40 teenagers. That's when Mr. Tom, a great man of God who was going to preach to us that night, walked up to me and placed a firm grip on my arm. He told me of how great I was, how much guts it too to lead worship, how proud he was of me. I was grateful for his words, but it was what I saw in his eyes that made me fight back tears. I have heard those words before. Honestly, I expected one of the adults there to tell me such that and I still find it hard to agree. But Mr. Tom's eyes held the fierce, powerful kind of sweetness. It was all I could do to not cry. In my lowliness, desperation and gratitude, I embraced him and thanked him. He doesn't know how much his words helped me.

I proceed my evening by slouching into a folding chair in the back, next to a kid I didn't know well to listen to Mr. Tom speak the Truth. He spoke about giving to someone in such a way to not persuade that person to give you something in return, but to persuade them to give to SOMEONE ELSE because of your actions. Then he asked the frightening question...

"WHAT ARE YOU GIVING COMPLETELY TO GOD RIGHT NOW?"

I had to think for a few minutes about how that applied to me personally. Then I thought that that most active answer would be: through leading worship. That's the Holy Spirit unraveled the rending I was doing to my own soul and laid it out for me in my head...

I wasn't giving that first song to God. It didn't even occur to me to open in prayer. I wasn't thinking of Him. And I'm still ashamed to admit that I, that person the Lord has entrust to lead a group of his followers in worship, wasn't envisioning His face in Heaven. That's why I received that "personal hell." I gave it to my self by not "acknowledging Him in all my ways" (Proverbs 3:6).

I feel better about the night. I'm at peace with it. I met God there, through failing and falling. He taught me, and I am a better worship leader today because of it. I love Him more after going through the pain I didn't on that stage (I hate calling it a stage).

As I'm sure you can understand, I am going to start giving it ALL to God. Not the just pure chords and lyrics, no. I'm giving it all. I'm giving my heart, my mind, my soul to Him in those songs. I'm giving it all to those whom I blessed beyond measure to worship with. I am going to stop singing for the sake of singing and I am going to worship.

Hello, Autumn...

The first signs of Autumn have presented itself...

All the kindergarten students in the class I work with are already planning Halloween parties and contemplating costumes. I miss the excitement and magic of Halloween dearly, but I receive my joy through them.

There is, of course, the seasonal Starbuck's Pumpkin Spice Latte, which I have yet to consume. The consistency, however, is comforting. I appreciate it abundantly!

There is the warmly familiar sight of the Autumn Pottery Barn magazine. You know you'll never actually buy anything, but I am emotionally attached to flipping through the red, yellow, orange, brown pages.

There is the reunion of those friendly scarecrows that find their early way out of your neighbor's garage and onto their lawn.

Yes, Autumn has sneaked its way into 2009 early this year. The colors and familiarities please my eyes so. The smells, such as my beloved Pumpkin & Spiced Apple reed incense diffuser, the crisp, sharp smell of changing leave and winds reach deep down into me. I look forward to Falling deeper into Autumn.

the Lord's word will never return empty.

Stop & Listen

As I was enjoying the view of the beautiful land that is Florida through the wonderfully big windows in my newly clean bedroom, I came to this shocking realization...

I have yet to hear God's voice.

I then began to mercilessly plague myself with questions, questions such as "What does He sound like?" "Is His voice loud, maybe frightening?" "Rather, is it a loving, nurturing sound?" The concept began to grow and grow within my mind until I felt my head about ready to burst. Of course, there is scripture discussing the Lord's voice, but I am sure you agree that it is simply not the same.

How strange, I thought. This God, this Father with whom I have grown so close to over the years has not once revealed His voice to me. I, His child, to this day could not point out His voice by ear. It was comforting, though, that I was drawn back by the absurdity that I did not know His voice, indicating (so I believe) that I am indeed close with my Maker.

So I sat there, by my big window, inhaling the sent of my Autumn candles, for quite a while pondering the mystery of how one can grow so close to another without even speaking words to each other.

It was at that instant, between feeling dumbfounded and not worthy of His speech, I realized that of course we have communicated! I hear God all the time! I am not merely talking into oxygen and gravity, I am talking to a God who hears, a God who listens, a God who indeed replies.

He answers my prayers, I do receive strength and that peace the passes understanding. I feel Him when I just open my Bible. My youth pastor put it as "discipline" to hear the Lord, and it is. You must have spiritual discipline to open a Bible, to turn off the music, isolate yourself and stop & listen. The results can be extremely clear, far clearer than any audible sound.

"In people we are looking for God to show up in big and glorious ways, and there were times when He came simply in a whisper or a breeze."

1 Peter 4:10