When I say "I am a Christian"

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin'."
I'm whispering "I was lost,
Now I 'm found and forgiven."

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
And need His strength to carry on.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
And need God to clean my mess.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible
But, God believes I am worth it.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches
So I call upon His name.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner
Who received God's good grace, somehow!

~~Carol Wimmer

Could be Worse, Could be Tanzania

I find my self in a very particular, and for me odd, spot lately where it is easy to say, "my life is messed up". Things I want, I can't have. Things I want to see happen, aren't happening. The burdens I want lifted - be it the burdens of my own or a loved one's, do not rise. I think things are bad, ruined - but really they are not! I only think that because the happenings as of late are inferior to what I want. The unfolding of my life now, at this second, my emotions and longings, its where God wants me and my life to be. That's how I take comfort. A little bit.

Psalm 33:11 ~ "But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations". God, thank you for being the ever powerful and Sovereign Lord that you are. Thank you for embracing your children when they are lost and confused. Help us to remember that your hand is upon us, that you never abandon your faithful ones. Once again it is my prayer, as is forever, that you will make your Will clear to my eyes which are stained by the sin of the world. Please, grant me the smallest bit of understanding as you work your wonders and miracles in my life and in the lives intertwined with mine. Thank you. I love you. In your loving Name I pray. Amen.

I know that my days are not really bad, its just not what I want and that's stupid to let aggravate me. I have a good life. My family, my friends, and I are all healthy. I live in a great house, have easy access to food, ect. I listened to Alli Roger's song "Tanzania" and had a change of heart...

I need not sing, "Someday I will wake where the Earth is clean and safe; where my children have a place to play. Not here in Tanzania. And someday I will in a house that build by hands that hold the world".... I need not sing how its, "hard to be a mother, and its hard to be a woman, and its hard to live in Africa sometimes".

I've been to these places. I know Haiti. I have touched the hands that are attached a mourning and troubled soul. My soul is not worthy to be proclaimed as a soul that mourns compared to those who I am referring to now. I have a great life, full of things and people that I love and for some reason they love me in return.

Now, I move on through life, one foot in front of the other. I think of the Serenity Prayer, one of my favorite, "trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will". And that's where I find comfort, in my marvelously and eternally Sovereign God.

When I Leave...

I look back at my old posts, but they don't feel like mine. I read them like a different girl, a different soul wrote them. I laugh at all the ridiculous grammatical mistakes, I smile at all the memories, and I wish I could have them back.

Sometimes we get caught up in the seasons. Our eyes are shifted from Jesus' face, where we vowed to fix them. We make that vow when the season is easy, when everything is ok. Its funny how its when the season brings storms that we turn our hearts to Earthly things. We need to remember that we're living. This is when we make our moments, in this blink of an eye that we call life. "Your life is the song that you sing, and the whole wide world is listening" - Matthew West. How are others seeing you? What really matters: how is God seeing you? We can easily mess our days up, but our days are what sew together our lives.

Then I think of the moments I have left, what I want to say and do in those moments.

What I want the world to be like when I leave.

Whom will I have helped?

What live will I change?

How will they remember me?

Will they miss me when I'm gone?

Essentially, I wonder what God has planned for me before I leave. I don't know what the play-by-play of the rest of my life is. He does, though. That's exciting! He knows if or, which of my plans for life with unfold like I think they will, and he knows the ones that will simply not happen. Its an enormous relief to know that someone knows what will happen. I hate not knowing, but I'd rather have Him in control anyway.

What's even more amazing is that He knows how the events of my life, lived already or not, will weave my part to this world. Most of us have wondered, "How will they remember me?". I contemplate. I wonder. I ponder. I hope for amazing memories, filled with nothing but love that mirrors Jesus Christ's. But that will take some work. (:

This is my heart...

Am I too busy chasing a temporary fortune

That my priorities get lost along the road

The seasons bring their moments

They linger for an instant

They never wait for you to pay the debts you owe

When I leave I want to leave a memory filled with love

The kind you don't forget

When I go I want to be known

As one who lived with no regrets

If life is like a flower

Am I doing all that's in my power

To leave a fragrance behind

It's time to count my blessings

Forget about my savings account for a while

I want them to say

What a glorious day

She had so much to gain

But she gave it away

And I want them to see something different in me

And that I'm going to be free

Some glad morning when this life is over

I'll fly away

To a home on God's celestial shore

I'll fly away

When I leave I want to leave a memory...

~JJ Heller