Chosen: A Girl's Midnight Monologue

I wrote this last August, but I'm feeling it's necessary again on this Autumn day.

Ironic, how being yourself is possibly the most difficult thing one can do. Being satisfied. Being proud. Feeling like you could possibly measure up. To expectations. To those around you.

How does one do it? Is it possible -- or even plausible -- to trust... in the breaking of a new day; to trust in a day of mindless prayers, old pajamas, classes, school, books, paper; a TV, a remote, sitting -- just sitting!; a camera, lens, the shutter sounds; the piano bellows, it sings with its keys, fingers dancing, the vioce straining. There's a smile, there's a fight, a laugh, then a tear. And the days repeat, overlap. An occasional "hello" is followed, always, with a "goodbye".

Is this was it means? To be lovely or beautiful or wonderful? I don't believe so. If it is, I want nothing to do with any of it.

How can you possibly compare with THAT? How will you even attempt?... I couldn't... I can't...

I can only be m--

Thats when you realize. Love... Love is so much bigger than yourself... It is not "in my heart." Love is out-of-body. It is not something you achieve alone, you're not made to! Love isn't because you were good enough, it's because you were chosen (for whatever reason). CHOSEN. You were the gorgeous Lily in a field of white Daisies. In other words, the child touched you and yelled "goose!" while all the other kids were sitting ducks. Love is as wildly untame as the stallions and as miraculously free as the birds. Don't capture it by giving it a labled box. Don't hold it, don't claim it, don't own it... Bask and grow in it, because Love picked you, after you caught its eye and captivated it with one thing: yourself.

Photo from weheartit.com

My sister is prettier than yours.

Photo: Sara Purdy Photography

Lyric: Priscilla Ahn, Dream

Editing: Me

Things I'm looking forward to about Autumn:

-- the hues that will paint the trees

-- being able to wear my jeans and jacket without someone saying "Aren't you hot?!"

-- my homeschool co-op that's starting tomorrow

-- the cooler temperatures that make everything else cozy!

-- wearing my super, uber cute brown boots that are sitting patiently in my closet

-- the Fall Season/"Halloween" Party that occurs at my house

-- knowing that Thanksgiving is around the corner, one of my two favorite "holidays" (Easter being the other one.)

-- wearing really crazy socks (but under my long jeans, so it's a secret!) :D

-- laying in cool grass

-- the wind playing with my hair

-- my grandparents coming down from Michigan for Autumn/Winter/Spring time.

-- excitedly knowing that right when the excitement of Fall and Thanksgiving is over, the celebration of Jesus' birthday will begin.

Seven more days!

Wondering Where This Road Is Leading

My heart has been here lately:

With little hands and dirty cheeks. With loving babies and kids with amazing hearts. I've had a lot of dreams this week about being back in Haiti. Being home under that beautiful, beating sun.

I've also been thinking a lot about how Haiti is going to be factored in into my adult life. Honestly, I've been a bit torn...

I dream of a clean quaint house, smelling of candles and food (my doing), with a handful of kids who look and act perfect doing school work (this is a dream, of course).

However, when I don't dream, when I think, I think of a house surrounded by a cement wall, a couple big "trained" dogs walking around, beans and rice in bowls on the counter, and a hand-made broom propped next to a pile of swept up dirt. I think of roosters sounding, my neck sweating, and babies crying my name in an adorable accent. I think of Haiti. A live like this:

I'm a multi-sided person. Can I have one and not the other? Can I live my fifties-house-wife imaginary world and ignore the love I have for Haiti and its people? Can I live in Haiti and be ok with sacrificing the typical home-maker life?

Well... Last night, after feeling totally spent, I read this in my Bible: "For I testify that they gave as much as they were able, and even beyond their ability." (2 Corinthians 8:3) I read it over and over and was totally in awe more and more each time. If you don't share my excitement, read it again until you do.

I continued reading and found this:

"For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that thought he was rich, yet for your sakes he became poor, so that you through his poverty might become rich." (2 Corinthians 6:9) . . . "Our desire is not that other might be relieved while you are hard pressed, that there might be equality. At the the present time your plenty will supply what they need, so that in turn their plenty will supply what your need. Then there will be equality." (2 Corinthians 8: 13 & 14)

I love Haiti. Living there always sounded grand to me (mostly because I already know a lot of details to how living in Haiti is anything but "grand"). Only in two places have I ever been told that I was "in my element": after leading worship, and while I was in Haiti.

A lot can argue that it's too early to be thinking about this. But as long as I am being asked what I want to do with my life, I say it's perfectly justified. I'm not really sure why I'm writing this, just that this is how I organize my heart. There is a lot to factor in, there's a lot of life to live first, and ultimately, I just want what God believes I'll be best placed. All I can really do right now is pray for that.

For My Friends of the Home-Making or Crafty Kind

There's a woman who makes music that I love, her name if JJ Heller. You may have heard of her.

Not only does she make music, she also keeps a blog that I'm border-line obsessed with. Lovely Little Things is a site where JJ Heller shares her always simple home decor and sewing tricks. A lot of the sewing pieces she posts are tutorials found online and for her babygirl Lucy (so it's all stinkin' adorable).

For my home-makers, craft-creators, and color-embracers: enjoy. (:

This Evening's Musings

It's nice to be here, a place of writing and heart-scribing. I think I need it right now.

I've had a night full of seeing how some of the people in my life are truly real. Heartbreakingly, I've also discovered how many people I'm around daily are fake. I don't think there is a bigger feeling of disappointment than discovering someone that you're around all the time is not really who you thought they were. They become liars. There's no doubt that I'm not perfect. Sometimes I want people to think that I'm perfect. But I'm not. And I respect people who don't try to act like they have it all together. The most healthy relationships that I have are with people who don't try to frantically cover up their short comings. And that is what I appreciate the most out of real people. They're real to me. I'm worth the honest friendship and the truth.

God has been easily evident this last week. I truly believe it's because I've been reading my Bible before my feet hit the floor in the morning. Now, I'm a little frightened not to! I love seeing his handiwork in the butterflies and pink/blue skies (He gave me a thing for pretty skies). I love feeling blessed by the words of encouragers -- a few have reassured me tonight, making me feel like I'm where I belong. That is always a lovely feeling.

On a lighter note... Have you seen my apron of cuteness? (:

I'm thankful for this place. That 'publish post' button is looking caressingly orange, and like it's full of healing.

What My Camera Has Been Up To..

My camera told me that she loves me assisting Sara Purdy Photography. (: