An Unfathomable and Undeserving Forgiveness

I understand the fact that I have sinned, that at times I fall into Satan's calls and I understand that this pleases him (Satan). I understand that I broke rules. Rules created by both my parents and my Heavenly Father. I don't, however, understand why He would make the outcome in the long-run so easy for me. Not one piece of my sinner's flesh has been torn, not one nail in my sinner's hands or feet. But His perfect and holy flesh has been brutally ripped and nails have been hammered into His hands and feet. The hands and feet that have only done good things to glorify God's name. I don't understand the LORD's length of faith or patients or forgiveness, it is beyond my comprehension -for it is eternal.

I am a plain mortal, I am weak, just an addition to the crowd of stumbling fools. I get confused with all the voices calling out to me and it is at times hard for me to hear all the voices and to only listen to the Voice of Truth. When standing at crossroads, I don't always choose the path that is my Faith Walk, the one He has planned for me before the beginning of time.

Who am I? Why would he care enough to forgive me, a sinner? To go through torture and ridicule for me? We're talking about the One who calms storms with His voice alone, the One who creates the miracle of life daily, and the One who is flawless and perfect and could at any time, if desired, leave me to fend for myself. That same miraculous One chooses not to leave me, but beckons to me to walk closer to Him. I still don't understand why He would bother.

I regret my sins, but not because of the consequences the Lord has given me. I regret my sins because it disappoints and saddens my God. The consequences only help me grow and learn, changing me for life. This only will help me in the future. I thank God for the consequences and apologize for what I have done.

But the part that burdens me the most is that all I can give to Him in return is my gratitude, my praise, and my striving to become more of the human His Son was.

Still Calls Me Son - John Waller (Thanks Megan)

I drug His name through Godless places.

And I know shame that no child of His should know.

I've seen pain on broken faces, Beyond all signs of hope.

I was just too far from Home.

Still I always wonder when I close my eyes:

After all I've done, Could He run to me?

Would He kiss my face? Could He even look at me?

After where I've been, Should He take me back?

I would understand.

I've disgraced Him.

But it would be amazing if He still calls me son.

With nothing left for me to bring Him,

I left my pride and turned my heart toward Home.

I saw my Home on the horizon.

And from a distance, I saw my Father.

Watching for His own with forgiving eyes.

After all I've done, He just ran to me.

He just kissed my face.

He would not let go of me.

After where I've been, He just welcomed me.

I don't understand, But He put His robe on me.

It was so amazing that He still called me son.

One day as I breathe my last,

And I know my days on Earth have ended, When every hour is spent,

I will close my eyes in amazement.

And I'll hear angels, They'll be singing 'Amazing Grace'.

'Cause He will run to me.

And He will kiss my face, He will not let go of me.

After where I've been, He will welcome me.

I won't understand, How He'd put his robe on me.

It will be amazing that He will call me son.

Amazing grace, How sweet the sound when He calls me son.

I once was lost, But now I'm found,

'Cause He calls me, He calls me son.

Psalms 18:28 ~ You, O God, keep my lamp burning; God turns my darkness into light.

Ephesians 5: 8-17 ~ For you were once in darkness, but now you are light in the LORD. Live as children of light (for the fruit of light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what please the LORD. Have nothing to to with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. For it is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible, for it is light that makes everything visible... Be very careful, then, how you live -not as unwise, but as wise. making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefor do not be foolish, but understand what the LORD's Will is.

Alixson and Nancy, Baby

Alixson. The first thing that comes to mind is that he wants to be held, always. and he will hold a grudge if you put him down. even though Megan kind of hogged him the whole time, i found the sweet baby boy that he is. when he is in your arms he embraces it and cherishes every second. He's like a shadow, following you around every where. we need to get this boy home!!

Nancy. We really clicked this time. Her laugh, music. Her beauty, radiant. Her love, miraculous. Countless times she pulled herself onto my hip and i was supposed to spin in a circle. This was what we chose to do with our time together. Different and odd, yes. But i loved hearing her giggle and loved her holding on tight to me. She does well in the spot light, but i don't think she necessarily graves it. Joy and smiles come naturally around her. When can we bring the joy to her home?!

Our Blessed Reunion - Attempt #2

The minute i stepped out of the plane i wasn't just in Haiti. nope. i was in the land of the palm trees, clear beaches, tap taps, Haitian B.O., Akon-fanatics, rice, beans, trash, goats, hair wraps, little hands, dirty feet, and abundant love. and this land that i speak of is my favorite.

i was quiet on the drive from the airport. i always am. i like to embrace the very second i get to pass through and be a small part in each pedestrian's life. When they turn to see who is in the van that drives by, they can see my face -depending on which side they're standing on. and that's my little time spent in that person's life. i'm not making a difference, none of them even remember me. but its as close as i can get to that Haitian, as close to telling them that 'i want to devote my life to helping them' as i am going to get. it is fortunate, however, that i have a few options to get closer while working at the clinic, while at the orphanage and hopefully many more options in the future.

i left my scrubs in the US this time. but i did get to put calimine lotion on the kids with chicken pox. however, this gave me more time to love on the kids. after i got back from Haiti in July i did posts on each of them. but only the kids i really got close to. but with my clinic-free time i grew closer to all of them. (many post on kiddos are coming)!

the tears came the minute i woke up on Feb. 27th. i pulled it together and was proud that i didn't cry in front of the kids. i think the tears were easier to control because now i see that i don't have to wait 2 years between each trip, like i did between my first 2. now i learned, as the kids are beginning to do, that i do come back. i do return. but when we stepped out side of the airport to board the plane, the pesky tears reluctantly returned. it was the plane itself that made me cry. the plane. my traitor. it is the plane physically pulling me away from Haiti. it seemed to be laughing at me. it was mean. i felt like i was 4 and someone took my Barbie away. but i'm sure i'll forgive it before it takes me back to Haiti. :)

now, the mourning continues but summer is just around the corner. summer, unlike the plane, helps me toward Haiti by giving me plenty of time to return. no school, its a care-free time, Haiti time.

"It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light."
-not quite sure who said that one, but he/she is stinkin' smart.

well, we survived a week... well, to an extent.